http://www.scratchingthesurfacedoc.com/index.cfm?i=12317&mid=25&blogid=4256 An area where people can tell the world of their journey to Freedom. 'They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.' -Rev 12:11 Submit a testimony. Radiant WebTools  Over the past months I've done the best I can to open myself up to the discovery and the understanding of who I truly am. As a result, the pain of my addiction will surface from time to time. It's a necessary part of the process to find healing. To find forgiveness.It's an odd feeling, this seemingly self-inflicted pain. When my tendency would be to take a step back and to hide, I can't. There is too much at stake. I would say it's easier for me to deal with the pain I've caused others. I can openly work to right that. I can work diligently to pretty up the outside to at least provide the perception of progress and have others feel better as I improve. But that's all it would be. Perception with no substance. I triumph for others but not for me. A hollow victory at best with no long lasting foundation to stop me from sliding right back into my habits. Working on me is definitely harder. The biggest reason? I can't do it by myself.I can't dig down deep like it's the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs of a tie game and swing for the fences. It just doesn't work that way. Working on my problems is utterly problematic when I do it alone. How did I get here in the first place? Alone. How did I bury myself in my addiction? Alone. How did I find myself in the arms of another woman? Alone. How can I dig myself out of this pit and find healing? Without a doubt, not alone.The paradigm needs to shift dramatically to ensure steps forward. This is a hard pill to swallow. To accept that I will need to come clean and share every and all details about who I am and what I've done is daunting. But Necessary. Each secret I keep is like a mask to wear. Each mask allows me to be who ever I think I need to be to whoever I interact with. Time spent in this lifestyle pulled me farther and farther from any truth and reality outside of the truth that I created. I was my own god.What did I do? Within 48 hours of my wife leaving and taking our sons I reached out. I sought friends. They brought with them, life support. I can keep going. Once the thoughts of suicide faded enough I could think clearly I acted. I began to build barriers around me for protection both virtually and physically. The internet was gone from my home. I could manage without it. My life depended on it. Where it was necessary, accountability software and filtering was installed. Virtually, Covenant Eyes saved part of my soul from further damage. No amount of will power can do what it can.Physically, I surrounded myself with people who I trusted. I took a risk. I had been taking risks my entire life, what's one more. I met with, over and over again (still do), people who know my condition and have my (and my wife's) best interests at heart. One more breath. One more step. One more day. I can do it. I can.The pain inside of me now is a different animal. It can still hurt. The scars are still there. A little smaller maybe; shrinking everyday. Nowadays they don't keep me up at night like they used to. No one has been able to tell me it will all just end one day and I won't feel this way anymore. Strangely enough, even if they did, I'd know they were lying.I'm reminded of a Saturday morning cartoon I used to watch growing up. Probably familiar to many. Alvin and the Chipmunks. One episode had them singing a song in an effort to help Theodore pass a test in school. Why I remember this I really have no clue. The line of the song was '...history is like a song; it repeats all the time...' While it seems that I'm doomed to walk the Earth replaying the events of my past, in reality that doesn't have to be the case.While the soundtrack of my past does play loud in my mind from time to time, touched off by seemingly insignificant events, or odd questions from my wife, it no longer affects my heart. For that I am eternally grateful. For it is the ability to keep ones past in the forefront of their minds that will empower them to not make the same mistakes twice. I'm counting on that.I'm a normal guy. I've traveled a normal road. Where my story deviates from society's normal is when the weight of the world came crashing down I did not run. I did not take the path of least resistance. I did not retreat. I turned around. I faced the darkness of the life I was leading. And I hit the light switch.Amen.If you're interested, you can read my story at: http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2010/03/22/my-story-of-freedom-from-pornography/  Over the past months I've done the best I can to open myself up to the discovery and the understanding of who I truly am. As a result, the pain of my addiction will surface from time to time. It's a necessary part of the process to find healing. To find forgiveness.It's an odd feeling, this seemingly self-inflicted pain. When my tendency would be to take a step back and to hide, I can't. There is too much at stake. I would say it's easier for me to deal with the pain I've caused others. I can openly work to right that. I can work diligently to pretty up the outside to at least provide the perception of progress and have others feel better as I improve. But that's all it would be. Perception with no substance. I triumph for others but not for me. A hollow victory at best with no long lasting foundation to stop me from sliding right back into my habits. Working on me is definitely harder. The biggest reason? I can't do it by myself.I can't dig down deep like it's the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs of a tie game and swing for the fences. It just doesn't work that way. Working on my problems is utterly problematic when I do it alone. How did I get here in the first place? Alone. How did I bury myself in my addiction? Alone. How did I find myself in the arms of another woman? Alone. How can I dig myself out of this pit and find healing? Without a doubt, not alone.The paradigm needs to shift dramatically to ensure steps forward. This is a hard pill to swallow. To accept that I will need to come clean and share every and all details about who I am and what I've done is daunting. But Necessary. Each secret I keep is like a mask to wear. Each mask allows me to be who ever I think I need to be to whoever I interact with. Time spent in this lifestyle pulled me farther and farther from any truth and reality outside of the truth that I created. I was my own god.What did I do? Within 48 hours of my wife leaving and taking our sons I reached out. I sought friends. They brought with them, life support. I can keep going. Once the thoughts of suicide faded enough I could think clearly I acted. I began to build barriers around me for protection both virtually and physically. The internet was gone from my home. I could manage without it. My life depended on it. Where it was necessary, accountability software and filtering was installed. Virtually, Covenant Eyes saved part of my soul from further damage. No amount of will power can do what it can.Physically, I surrounded myself with people who I trusted. I took a risk. I had been taking risks my entire life, what's one more. I met with, over and over again (still do), people who know my condition and have my (and my wife's) best interests at heart. One more breath. One more step. One more day. I can do it. I can.The pain inside of me now is a different animal. It can still hurt. The scars are still there. A little smaller maybe; shrinking everyday. Nowadays they don't keep me up at night like they used to. No one has been able to tell me it will all just end one day and I won't feel this way anymore. Strangely enough, even if they did, I'd know they were lying.I'm reminded of a Saturday morning cartoon I used to watch growing up. Probably familiar to many. Alvin and the Chipmunks. One episode had them singing a song in an effort to help Theodore pass a test in school. Why I remember this I really have no clue. The line of the song was '...history is like a song; it repeats all the time...' While it seems that I'm doomed to walk the Earth replaying the events of my past, in reality that doesn't have to be the case.While the soundtrack of my past does play loud in my mind from time to time, touched off by seemingly insignificant events, or odd questions from my wife, it no longer affects my heart. For that I am eternally grateful. For it is the ability to keep ones past in the forefront of their minds that will empower them to not make the same mistakes twice. I'm counting on that.I'm a normal guy. I've traveled a normal road. Where my story deviates from society's normal is when the weight of the world came crashing down I did not run. I did not take the path of least resistance. I did not retreat. I turned around. I faced the darkness of the life I was leading. And I hit the light switch.Amen.If you're interested, you can read my story at: http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2010/03/22/my-story-of-freedom-from-pornography/ http://www.scratchingthesurfacedoc.com/index.cfm?i=12317&mid=25&blogid=4256&comments=14750 14750 Tue, 14 Sep 2010 17:23:14 +0000 This journey started for me at a very young age. To say my family was dysfunctional would be like saying dogs hate cats. We were obviously messed up. It was obvious to my 3 sisters and me but no one else knew what was happening behind closed doors.My father was a hardcore, abusive, and mean alcoholic. There was both physical and mental abuse, mostly directed towards my mother. I received my share of abuse and learned very early on how to protect my inner self. In the middle of one of my dad's tirades, I remember saying to myself, 'I'm not going to let you in.' This of course created many relationship problems as an adult. With the daily and weekly stress, any escape was a welcome way to deal with my sadness, loneliness and despair. I don't remember the exact age I was exposed to pornography. It was around ten or eleven. I discovered my dads porn stash. Having no experience with anything sexual I was curious and intent on seeing as much of this as I could. I knew instinctively that this was something I would have to do secretly. This became my escape from the sad feelings and loneliness that I had endured for so long. Looking at the magazines made me somehow feel different... better. It was an escape.Like the secret that our family 'had problems,' this was my secret... but instead of making me depressed and angry, it made me feel good. Little did I know that my brain was being transformed by these images of naked women. The wiring of my brain was being 're- programmed.' I didn't know that pornography has been compared to cocaine addiction because of similar neurochemical activity in the brain. I was in the early stages of preparing my body, mind and soul for a lifelong addiction to porn. As time went by, I had periods of time where I really wasn't very active in trying to find these images. It seemed every time I would make 'headway' one of my friends or classmates would break out their stash of porn. Once, in high school, an assistant coach took several guys by his house on the way to a game. He proudly pointed out his porn magazines sitting boldly on his living room coffee table. That wiring in my brain that I had spent hours developing would, each time, strongly pull me back in.Porn does not become an addiction for every man, but the younger a male is exposed to pornography the more likely he is to become addicted. My interest in girls, other than porn women, began in 6th grade. Because of the false portrayals I had seen in magazines I had no idea what a true relationship with a girl should look like. I didn't have a model of a good relationship at home, and of course sex was never talked about. Like most guys I learned 'on the street.' As most guys will admit, this is not the best way to learn. I had a few girlfriends through high school but I was not able to develop any deeply connected relationships.I was very good at hiding my inner conflicts and my addiction. On the outside I was a pretty normal kid, but on the inside I was in deep despair about why I couldn't stop my consistent habit. This was a topic no other guys would dare to mention. It seemed all the guys wanted to do was brag about their sexual exploitations or attempts with girls. I had no idea that many of my male friends and classmates were struggling with the same issues. I eventually met my sweetheart and future wife in high school. I thought that marriage would finally satisfy my constant urges and sexual desires. After all we could have all of the sex we ever wanted. Things went well for a while and then it became obvious that we had different ideas about the frequency and kind of sex that was mutually satisfying. My expectations were those I had seen and observed while viewing pornography. Her expectations were of closeness, romance and tenderness. She was always wanting to talk and talk and talk. I wanted to 'get right down to business.' I had it figured out in my mind, God made man and woman to be together, He gave us the matching parts to make it all work, so why not just jump in and enjoy each other!After a few months and years had gone by it was glaringly obvious to me that she was 'messed up.' She had no idea what a man wants and needs. It was easy, with my history, to turn to porn once again. Again, I was an expert at hiding it and trying my best to act normal. (As if I knew what normal was.) At home I simply tried to avoid conflict with my wife. I just desired 'peace' with her, not intimacy. At this point let me say that I became a Christian at the age of thirteen. Many times after becoming a Christian, I had prayed begging God to forgive me and take these urges away. I would vow to never look at porn again only to fail time after time. It seemed that God would give me peace for a very short time, but then I would return to my old habits, often times acting out in even more intense and dangerous sexual activities. It was a cycle I could see and feel, but I wasn't ready to deal with it. I enjoyed it and I thought it brought me happiness and pleasure.After many, many years of secret sexual gratification I finally hit a point of complete and utter frustration with myself. I was completely depressed and angry with myself for not being able to overcome this problem. I finally began the process of trying to understanding what was wrong with me. I knew that this 'inner conflict' was going to destroy me. I wanted answers, but I didn't know where to turn.Just like the general society, sex and sexual addiction was never discussed in church. If it were, the most frequent comment would be, 'Boy the preacher handled that pretty well.' Then it would not be discussed again for years, if at all. It was as if the preachers would say to themselves, 'well we covered that subject, let's move on.' Only after my recovery started did I learn that addiction to pornography is just as prevalent in churches as it is in society. I would have never thought that a preacher, a man of God, could be looking at porn. Surely the seminaries were screening and training preachers about the dangers of pornography.My first day of recovery was at a marriage seminar that my wife and I attended. We had already been to a half dozen seminars over our long marriage. In the past I was simply trying to appease my wife. I attended this one with a different attitude in my heart. I had reached a point in my life where I was tired of 'living a lie.' I was tired of the cycle of highs and lows. I was tired of not having a deep, intimate relationship with my wife. I wanted to change 'me.' For a few months before the seminar I had been pleading with God to give me the opportunity to share my struggles with my wife. I was ready to accept the consequences for my moral failures. I was willing to endure my family's disappointment and rejection. I was willing to sacrifice everything to 'end the shame.' During one break-out session they had each couple leave the seminar and go out and share something together. This is the point at which I 'spilled my guts' to my wife.Let me stop right here and give a warning to any guys who might be reading this and are considering telling their wife they are addicted to pornography. It might be best to share with your clergy or a professional counselor first. This was the most painful, hurtful, and disappointing moment in my wife's life. I felt better 'dumping' all of this garbage on her, but she was absolutely destroyed. We spent many, many weeks and months following this moment working through the pain I had caused her. I had betrayed her. I had replaced her with total strangers who were willing to take their clothes off and do 'despicable' things in a fantasy world. The hurt will never completely go away. The trust she had in me before this was destroyed. I have to earn her trust back every day.She is a loving, caring and accepting partner with me now and I am so grateful that she has chosen to stand by my side in spite of my human condition. Besides my unbelievable wife, the person who has stood by me the most has been my Pastor. When I said I was willing to change 'me,' I was serious. The day after I shared with my wife, I went to see my Pastor. I hadn't known him long, but I was serving beside him. (Can you believe someone 'serving' a church in a leadership position could have this problem?) I was ready to resign my volunteer 'church' position and leave the church. As soon as I finished my story and history and admitted my addiction, he had a few simple words to say to me. He said, 'I love you and there is nothing that will ever stop me from loving you. There is nothing that will ever stop God from loving you. You can serve here as long as you feel God is asking you to.' I was in utter shock and total disbelief. No judgment, no condemnation, just love???All of my life in church I had heard the message of unconditional love, but now for the first time in my life, here was a man demonstrating it towards me. I was blown away! My journey continues in recovery. Every day there are challenges and obstacles. Magazine covers in convenience stores, scantily clad women on television, women who wear skimpy, low-cut outfits to name just a few. Women who think they are dressing attractively and fashionably, but unknowingly causing men to stumble.For those ladies reading this, I know what you're thinking... 'if men would just control themselves.' I'm not blaming women for dressing attractively. God created women to be beautiful and attractive to men. If you remember the story in Genesis, Adam & Eve were made to be the perfect pair. In their perfection they were naked and not ashamed. Only after 'the fall' did they require modest clothing. I'm sure Adam thought Eve still looked pretty 'hot' in her 'garments of skin' provided by God. Somehow I don't think it was the low-cut, revealing, leopard-spotted nightie that men fantasize their wives wearing.I see men differently now. Like me, most men tend to be on an island by themselves. Men are not as open to deep personal dialogue as women. Most men don't have someone to talk to about the issues that they struggle with. Most women have no clue about these issues. The most common response I get from women when they hear stories of men's struggles is 'I had no idea' or being in denial, 'My husband is not like that.' I catch myself watching men's behavior more closely now too. I'm keenly aware of men's eyes drinking in the hot babe who walks by in a miniskirt. I see them linger at the magazine rack and stop at the bikini clad beauty, open the pages and feast.For me it's now an opportunity to remember how I used to be filled with uncontrolled passions and desires. I don't walk down the magazine aisles anymore.I also now have an understanding, willing partner who knows to 'check me' at the shopping mall, or to switch seats with me at a restaurant when a provocatively dressed woman sits in my line of sight. It continues to be a day-by-day, hour-by-hour journey for me.My hope and prayer is that my story will help others find the courage and strength to 'end the shame.' Finding out that I was not alone was both encouraging and helpful to me. We will win the battle one man at a time. Society will change one father and one family at a time. Isn't it time to 'draw a line in the sand?' The next generation of men is looking to you right now.  Jerry Wright is the founder of Men Living Up, Inc. a non-profit designed to bring this secret sin into the light.   This journey started for me at a very young age. To say my family was dysfunctional would be like saying dogs hate cats. We were obviously messed up. It was obvious to my 3 sisters and me but no one else knew what was happening behind closed doors.My father was a hardcore, abusive, and mean alcoholic. There was both physical and mental abuse, mostly directed towards my mother. I received my share of abuse and learned very early on how to protect my inner self. In the middle of one of my dad's tirades, I remember saying to myself, 'I'm not going to let you in.' This of course created many relationship problems as an adult. With the daily and weekly stress, any escape was a welcome way to deal with my sadness, loneliness and despair. I don't remember the exact age I was exposed to pornography. It was around ten or eleven. I discovered my dads porn stash. Having no experience with anything sexual I was curious and intent on seeing as much of this as I could. I knew instinctively that this was something I would have to do secretly. This became my escape from the sad feelings and loneliness that I had endured for so long. Looking at the magazines made me somehow feel different... better. It was an escape.Like the secret that our family 'had problems,' this was my secret... but instead of making me depressed and angry, it made me feel good. Little did I know that my brain was being transformed by these images of naked women. The wiring of my brain was being 're- programmed.' I didn't know that pornography has been compared to cocaine addiction because of similar neurochemical activity in the brain. I was in the early stages of preparing my body, mind and soul for a lifelong addiction to porn. As time went by, I had periods of time where I really wasn't very active in trying to find these images. It seemed every time I would make 'headway' one of my friends or classmates would break out their stash of porn. Once, in high school, an assistant coach took several guys by his house on the way to a game. He proudly pointed out his porn magazines sitting boldly on his living room coffee table. That wiring in my brain that I had spent hours developing would, each time, strongly pull me back in.Porn does not become an addiction for every man, but the younger a male is exposed to pornography the more likely he is to become addicted. My interest in girls, other than porn women, began in 6th grade. Because of the false portrayals I had seen in magazines I had no idea what a true relationship with a girl should look like. I didn't have a model of a good relationship at home, and of course sex was never talked about. Like most guys I learned 'on the street.' As most guys will admit, this is not the best way to learn. I had a few girlfriends through high school but I was not able to develop any deeply connected relationships.I was very good at hiding my inner conflicts and my addiction. On the outside I was a pretty normal kid, but on the inside I was in deep despair about why I couldn't stop my consistent habit. This was a topic no other guys would dare to mention. It seemed all the guys wanted to do was brag about their sexual exploitations or attempts with girls. I had no idea that many of my male friends and classmates were struggling with the same issues. I eventually met my sweetheart and future wife in high school. I thought that marriage would finally satisfy my constant urges and sexual desires. After all we could have all of the sex we ever wanted. Things went well for a while and then it became obvious that we had different ideas about the frequency and kind of sex that was mutually satisfying. My expectations were those I had seen and observed while viewing pornography. Her expectations were of closeness, romance and tenderness. She was always wanting to talk and talk and talk. I wanted to 'get right down to business.' I had it figured out in my mind, God made man and woman to be together, He gave us the matching parts to make it all work, so why not just jump in and enjoy each other!After a few months and years had gone by it was glaringly obvious to me that she was 'messed up.' She had no idea what a man wants and needs. It was easy, with my history, to turn to porn once again. Again, I was an expert at hiding it and trying my best to act normal. (As if I knew what normal was.) At home I simply tried to avoid conflict with my wife. I just desired 'peace' with her, not intimacy. At this point let me say that I became a Christian at the age of thirteen. Many times after becoming a Christian, I had prayed begging God to forgive me and take these urges away. I would vow to never look at porn again only to fail time after time. It seemed that God would give me peace for a very short time, but then I would return to my old habits, often times acting out in even more intense and dangerous sexual activities. It was a cycle I could see and feel, but I wasn't ready to deal with it. I enjoyed it and I thought it brought me happiness and pleasure.After many, many years of secret sexual gratification I finally hit a point of complete and utter frustration with myself. I was completely depressed and angry with myself for not being able to overcome this problem. I finally began the process of trying to understanding what was wrong with me. I knew that this 'inner conflict' was going to destroy me. I wanted answers, but I didn't know where to turn.Just like the general society, sex and sexual addiction was never discussed in church. If it were, the most frequent comment would be, 'Boy the preacher handled that pretty well.' Then it would not be discussed again for years, if at all. It was as if the preachers would say to themselves, 'well we covered that subject, let's move on.' Only after my recovery started did I learn that addiction to pornography is just as prevalent in churches as it is in society. I would have never thought that a preacher, a man of God, could be looking at porn. Surely the seminaries were screening and training preachers about the dangers of pornography.My first day of recovery was at a marriage seminar that my wife and I attended. We had already been to a half dozen seminars over our long marriage. In the past I was simply trying to appease my wife. I attended this one with a different attitude in my heart. I had reached a point in my life where I was tired of 'living a lie.' I was tired of the cycle of highs and lows. I was tired of not having a deep, intimate relationship with my wife. I wanted to change 'me.' For a few months before the seminar I had been pleading with God to give me the opportunity to share my struggles with my wife. I was ready to accept the consequences for my moral failures. I was willing to endure my family's disappointment and rejection. I was willing to sacrifice everything to 'end the shame.' During one break-out session they had each couple leave the seminar and go out and share something together. This is the point at which I 'spilled my guts' to my wife.Let me stop right here and give a warning to any guys who might be reading this and are considering telling their wife they are addicted to pornography. It might be best to share with your clergy or a professional counselor first. This was the most painful, hurtful, and disappointing moment in my wife's life. I felt better 'dumping' all of this garbage on her, but she was absolutely destroyed. We spent many, many weeks and months following this moment working through the pain I had caused her. I had betrayed her. I had replaced her with total strangers who were willing to take their clothes off and do 'despicable' things in a fantasy world. The hurt will never completely go away. The trust she had in me before this was destroyed. I have to earn her trust back every day.She is a loving, caring and accepting partner with me now and I am so grateful that she has chosen to stand by my side in spite of my human condition. Besides my unbelievable wife, the person who has stood by me the most has been my Pastor. When I said I was willing to change 'me,' I was serious. The day after I shared with my wife, I went to see my Pastor. I hadn't known him long, but I was serving beside him. (Can you believe someone 'serving' a church in a leadership position could have this problem?) I was ready to resign my volunteer 'church' position and leave the church. As soon as I finished my story and history and admitted my addiction, he had a few simple words to say to me. He said, 'I love you and there is nothing that will ever stop me from loving you. There is nothing that will ever stop God from loving you. You can serve here as long as you feel God is asking you to.' I was in utter shock and total disbelief. No judgment, no condemnation, just love???All of my life in church I had heard the message of unconditional love, but now for the first time in my life, here was a man demonstrating it towards me. I was blown away! My journey continues in recovery. Every day there are challenges and obstacles. Magazine covers in convenience stores, scantily clad women on television, women who wear skimpy, low-cut outfits to name just a few. Women who think they are dressing attractively and fashionably, but unknowingly causing men to stumble.For those ladies reading this, I know what you're thinking... 'if men would just control themselves.' I'm not blaming women for dressing attractively. God created women to be beautiful and attractive to men. If you remember the story in Genesis, Adam & Eve were made to be the perfect pair. In their perfection they were naked and not ashamed. Only after 'the fall' did they require modest clothing. I'm sure Adam thought Eve still looked pretty 'hot' in her 'garments of skin' provided by God. Somehow I don't think it was the low-cut, revealing, leopard-spotted nightie that men fantasize their wives wearing.I see men differently now. Like me, most men tend to be on an island by themselves. Men are not as open to deep personal dialogue as women. Most men don't have someone to talk to about the issues that they struggle with. Most women have no clue about these issues. The most common response I get from women when they hear stories of men's struggles is 'I had no idea' or being in denial, 'My husband is not like that.' I catch myself watching men's behavior more closely now too. I'm keenly aware of men's eyes drinking in the hot babe who walks by in a miniskirt. I see them linger at the magazine rack and stop at the bikini clad beauty, open the pages and feast.For me it's now an opportunity to remember how I used to be filled with uncontrolled passions and desires. I don't walk down the magazine aisles anymore.I also now have an understanding, willing partner who knows to 'check me' at the shopping mall, or to switch seats with me at a restaurant when a provocatively dressed woman sits in my line of sight. It continues to be a day-by-day, hour-by-hour journey for me.My hope and prayer is that my story will help others find the courage and strength to 'end the shame.' Finding out that I was not alone was both encouraging and helpful to me. We will win the battle one man at a time. Society will change one father and one family at a time. Isn't it time to 'draw a line in the sand?' The next generation of men is looking to you right now.  Jerry Wright is the founder of Men Living Up, Inc. a non-profit designed to bring this secret sin into the light.   http://www.scratchingthesurfacedoc.com/index.cfm?i=12317&mid=25&blogid=4256&comments=13231 13231 Thu, 24 Jun 2010 16:06:14 +0000 I entered the porn industry with my husband because it seemed like an easy way to make money. I had already worked as a stripper, and in my ignorance thought that porn might be a 's tep up' from stripping. By this time, my husband's porn addiction was at an all-time high. I had watched numerous videos with him, but even so, I knew nothing about the reality behind porn. All I knew was what I saw in the videos, which was not an accurate representation of what actually takes place. My time in the porn industry was a nightmare. My husband was my manager, and I was the 'product.' I spent my porn career in a total daze, putting on this act of being sexy and together when in actuality, on the inside, I was broken and crying.After 6 months of making hardcore videos and selling my body, I had had enough. Even so, the scars left by my time in the industry lasted many years. I was admitted to the psych ward, binged on methamphetamines and marijuana, cut myself, and basically tried to cope with the deep feelings of self-hatred and depression. My marriage soon ended, and I spent the successive years trying to piece my life back together and forget about my past. I continued on in the party lifestyle, trying to fill the emptiness and numb the pain of my past.I cannot remember the exact day I gave my life back to Jesus. All I know is that, in the midst of my darkness, the light of Christ broke through, and after so many years of trying to run from Him, He drew me back to Himself. He took away the urge to drug and began the healing process in me, which I had tried and failed at so many times.For so many years, I hated the person I was, and pornography was the apex of this. God showed me that I was not that worthless 'nothing' whom I thought myself to be, but a beloved child of His - forgiven and renewed. No longer was I that used-up ex-pornstar forced to live in shame and regret, but that I was a new creation in Christ-- old things have passed away, and all things are new.Christ breathed new life into me, brought me into a wonderful fellowship, and put me in touch with Shelley Lubben, a wonderful friend who has also survived the porn industry, and reaches out to others who also want to break free. Shortly thereafter the Pink Cross Foundation was formed, and God has allowed me to be a part of this beautiful work of His, reaching out to women trapped in porn, sharing my own testimony, and exposing the truth behind this damaging and degrading industry. I entered the porn industry with my husband because it seemed like an easy way to make money. I had already worked as a stripper, and in my ignorance thought that porn might be a 's tep up' from stripping. By this time, my husband's porn addiction was at an all-time high. I had watched numerous videos with him, but even so, I knew nothing about the reality behind porn. All I knew was what I saw in the videos, which was not an accurate representation of what actually takes place. My time in the porn industry was a nightmare. My husband was my manager, and I was the 'product.' I spent my porn career in a total daze, putting on this act of being sexy and together when in actuality, on the inside, I was broken and crying.After 6 months of making hardcore videos and selling my body, I had had enough. Even so, the scars left by my time in the industry lasted many years. I was admitted to the psych ward, binged on methamphetamines and marijuana, cut myself, and basically tried to cope with the deep feelings of self-hatred and depression. My marriage soon ended, and I spent the successive years trying to piece my life back together and forget about my past. I continued on in the party lifestyle, trying to fill the emptiness and numb the pain of my past.I cannot remember the exact day I gave my life back to Jesus. All I know is that, in the midst of my darkness, the light of Christ broke through, and after so many years of trying to run from Him, He drew me back to Himself. He took away the urge to drug and began the healing process in me, which I had tried and failed at so many times.For so many years, I hated the person I was, and pornography was the apex of this. God showed me that I was not that worthless 'nothing' whom I thought myself to be, but a beloved child of His - forgiven and renewed. No longer was I that used-up ex-pornstar forced to live in shame and regret, but that I was a new creation in Christ-- old things have passed away, and all things are new.Christ breathed new life into me, brought me into a wonderful fellowship, and put me in touch with Shelley Lubben, a wonderful friend who has also survived the porn industry, and reaches out to others who also want to break free. Shortly thereafter the Pink Cross Foundation was formed, and God has allowed me to be a part of this beautiful work of His, reaching out to women trapped in porn, sharing my own testimony, and exposing the truth behind this damaging and degrading industry. http://www.scratchingthesurfacedoc.com/index.cfm?i=12317&mid=25&blogid=4256&comments=13112 13112 Wed, 16 Jun 2010 10:00:54 +0000 I can remember the many times I tried to break free from pornography.  I had struggled with it since I was 13, and had grown to hate the guilt and shame I felt whenever I was done chatting with the last internet suitor or watching the latest video.  At times, I would print out pictures and sneak out to burn them.  Other times, I would save pictures to floppy disks and then snap them in half, all trying to prove to myself that I could beat pornography. It never worked. A year after I graduated high school, I still found myself trapped even spiralling downward into pornography.  I hated being there.  I hated pornography.  I did not want to be there, but it seemed no matter what I did, I could not get free.  I only ended up hating myself more.  That all changed when someone helped me redirect my focus. 'Jessica,' she said, 'if you want true freedom, you have to love God more than you hate the sin.'  When I first heard that, I blew it off, not really understanding the poetic cuteness of it all.  What do you mean love God more than I hate the sin?  That doesn't make any sense.  I'm a Christian; I am supposed to hate the sin. I had been saved for just over a year at that point, but had honestly felt that before God could do anything with my life, I had to beat pornography.  My mentors pointed me to Romans 6-8, chapters I have come to know as the freedom chapters.  You know what those chapters tell us?  They tell us that we don't have to beat pornography.  Those chapters tell us God already has.  Those chapters tell us what I had been told months before: We have a choice- love God more than you hate the sin. I couldn't tell you the exact moment, but somewhere in that study, it clicked for me.  All of those years spent password protecting, locking doors, burning, smashing, snapping in order to break free were all me hating the sin.  The problem is, there was nothing else to run to.  I would say, 'Pornography, I hate you!' and it was as if it answered, 'Yeah, but where else are you going to go?'  That whole time I had been focused on fighting and breaking free in my own strength.  But I couldn't.  We can't. That surrender was so liberating and brought so much healing.  I was giving up control, even the control of my own addictions, to an all-knowing, all-mighty, all-powerful Saviour who was (and is) more than capable of ridding me of them.  True freedom is found in the cross, in the victory won there, not in anything we do.  We don't have to break free, God has already freed us.  What we have to do is get used to living the new life He has given us.   There is no punishment period with God.  His mercies are new every morning, and there is a freedom and a joy in walking in that.  The devil can't hold this sin to my account.  I am no longer 'Jessica Harris- porn addict.'  I am 'Jessica Harris- a child of the Most High, bought with a price, redeemed, sanctified, loved, and pure.' He tells us that He brings life abundant, and He does!  Life so abundant and a freedom full of such joy that it is unspeakable.   He alone brings true worth and meaning to life, and when you spend your life focusing on Him and revealing in all that He is, the lure of pornography fades.  In loving God, you don't have to hate the sin because, in time, you will desire God so much more and the lure fades. Jessica Harris is founder of Beggar's Daughter ministries.  She also serves as an author for the anti-pornography ministry, 'The Porn Effect.' I can remember the many times I tried to break free from pornography.  I had struggled with it since I was 13, and had grown to hate the guilt and shame I felt whenever I was done chatting with the last internet suitor or watching the latest video.  At times, I would print out pictures and sneak out to burn them.  Other times, I would save pictures to floppy disks and then snap them in half, all trying to prove to myself that I could beat pornography. It never worked. A year after I graduated high school, I still found myself trapped even spiralling downward into pornography.  I hated being there.  I hated pornography.  I did not want to be there, but it seemed no matter what I did, I could not get free.  I only ended up hating myself more.  That all changed when someone helped me redirect my focus. 'Jessica,' she said, 'if you want true freedom, you have to love God more than you hate the sin.'  When I first heard that, I blew it off, not really understanding the poetic cuteness of it all.  What do you mean love God more than I hate the sin?  That doesn't make any sense.  I'm a Christian; I am supposed to hate the sin. I had been saved for just over a year at that point, but had honestly felt that before God could do anything with my life, I had to beat pornography.  My mentors pointed me to Romans 6-8, chapters I have come to know as the freedom chapters.  You know what those chapters tell us?  They tell us that we don't have to beat pornography.  Those chapters tell us God already has.  Those chapters tell us what I had been told months before: We have a choice- love God more than you hate the sin. I couldn't tell you the exact moment, but somewhere in that study, it clicked for me.  All of those years spent password protecting, locking doors, burning, smashing, snapping in order to break free were all me hating the sin.  The problem is, there was nothing else to run to.  I would say, 'Pornography, I hate you!' and it was as if it answered, 'Yeah, but where else are you going to go?'  That whole time I had been focused on fighting and breaking free in my own strength.  But I couldn't.  We can't. That surrender was so liberating and brought so much healing.  I was giving up control, even the control of my own addictions, to an all-knowing, all-mighty, all-powerful Saviour who was (and is) more than capable of ridding me of them.  True freedom is found in the cross, in the victory won there, not in anything we do.  We don't have to break free, God has already freed us.  What we have to do is get used to living the new life He has given us.   There is no punishment period with God.  His mercies are new every morning, and there is a freedom and a joy in walking in that.  The devil can't hold this sin to my account.  I am no longer 'Jessica Harris- porn addict.'  I am 'Jessica Harris- a child of the Most High, bought with a price, redeemed, sanctified, loved, and pure.' He tells us that He brings life abundant, and He does!  Life so abundant and a freedom full of such joy that it is unspeakable.   He alone brings true worth and meaning to life, and when you spend your life focusing on Him and revealing in all that He is, the lure of pornography fades.  In loving God, you don't have to hate the sin because, in time, you will desire God so much more and the lure fades. Jessica Harris is founder of Beggar's Daughter ministries.  She also serves as an author for the anti-pornography ministry, 'The Porn Effect.' http://www.scratchingthesurfacedoc.com/index.cfm?i=12317&mid=25&blogid=4256&comments=12793 12793 Tue, 25 May 2010 11:09:45 +0000 Hi, my name is Crystal and for 8 years of my life, I was addicted to pornography. Beginning at the age of 10 and through the age of 18. My addiction included not only pornography, but engagement in cybersex, phone sex, and even years of confusion about my sexual orientation. I finally got real about my addiction after I became a Christian and surrendered my addiction to the Lord. Freedom came when I was given the opportunity to admit to another woman about what I was doing and allowed for accountability to come into my life. And I knew I wasn't alone. I am now 7+ years sober and am founding director of Dirty Girls Minsitries. A ministry created to help women who battle pornography addiction. Hi, my name is Crystal and for 8 years of my life, I was addicted to pornography. Beginning at the age of 10 and through the age of 18. My addiction included not only pornography, but engagement in cybersex, phone sex, and even years of confusion about my sexual orientation. I finally got real about my addiction after I became a Christian and surrendered my addiction to the Lord. Freedom came when I was given the opportunity to admit to another woman about what I was doing and allowed for accountability to come into my life. And I knew I wasn't alone. I am now 7+ years sober and am founding director of Dirty Girls Minsitries. A ministry created to help women who battle pornography addiction. http://www.scratchingthesurfacedoc.com/index.cfm?i=12317&mid=25&blogid=4256&comments=12630 12630 Fri, 14 May 2010 22:14:45 +0000